Monday, August 4, 2014

When did I become a Fly By The Seat of Your Pants Mom?

As I sit at my computer, I'm making a goal for the day.  Actually, I'm making a goal for the month and I'm wondering when I became a "Fly-By-The-Seat-Of-Your-Pants Mom".  Seriously.  I'm facing each day or week fighting "fires" as they come my way and seeing which fire is bigger to see if I have enough water to just make the biggest fire go down enough to keep the flames from burning me.  Now, I have to admit, things have gotten better as we get more and more settled, but still not where I can sit back and take a deep breath and relax enough to say that I have things under control for the next few weeks.

The last few weeks when I was teaching away at Suzuki camp, it was great for me.  Being surrounded by supportive colleagues that let me know it was okay to step back from the self-imposed timeline to just focus on getting things settled in our home and family before I start my teaching was so reaffirming. I was having so much undue stress and anxiety worrying about how I was supposed to get everything done "in time" to start teaching.  When, in reality, there is no set time for me to start teaching.  Maybe I needed to hear it from my teaching friends that it was okay to stop pushing something that wasn't really there in the first place and to let myself put my priorities in the place that my heart is right now anyway. Getting back to teaching a few months later than what I had thought I may, won't be a regret later on, but pushing too soon may be.  I love how my Suzuki friends are so supportive, thoughtful, and caring to listen, share, and give advice.  Sometimes even just letting me come to my own conclusions too.

Funny thing about this change in plans is that I don't feel like I've lost anything.  With all the changes in the last year, I've always felt a bit like I've lost control.  Lost comforts. Lost identity. Like I've lost choices or stresses have been added to my life.  This time I feel like I've actually changed something to gain something.  I get to be there to be with my kids when they come home and get them settled in to a new school and riding the bus home first time.  I get to help them with homework for the first time. I get to get us completely moved in without the worry of a "deadline".  Don't get me wrong, I love my teaching and it's in the back of my mind.  I will be teaching soon--it is just who I am.  But, for the first time in over a year, I feel like I'm in control, even for a little bit.  I get to make the choice, and it feels a little okay.

So, my goal for the next month, is to become a little more settled, a bit more prepared, and maybe put out a couple of fires completely so I don't feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants anymore.  Here's to firefighting and less pants flying!  Here's to focus and priorities!  It feels good and I'm just getting started!